Isang Resolusyon

“maaaring hindi na siya mangyare sa akin
anung gagawin ko? nakakatakot.
bakit kaya may inimbento pang ganun?
wala na bang lunas o ginhawa man lang?”

marami akong tanung pero hindi ko na gustong hintayin kung may kasagutan pa sa kanilang lahat.sa ngayon, mas gusto ko nang isipin ang mga bagay na makakabuti sa akin lalo na sa hinaharap. problema lang talaga kapag nalilingat ako. naiisip ko ito at pag laon, gagawa ako ng mga bagay na ikakasakit lang ng kalooban ko.

i know we are trying to get by in this life where events or experiences happen to you randomly. we are all on the receiving end trying to make sense out of it. Still most of the times, we are lost in the confusion and find it hard to accept why these things happen to us. Kung meron lang akong paraan to shorthand this and move on to the happy ending, I would. Okay, ang unfair ko. I know puro sarap na lang gusto ko. Pero kung kilala mo ako, siguro hindi mo sasabihin ito sa akin. Marami na kasi akong pinagdaanan para sa murang edad ko. I never felt like my age.

Siguro naghahanap lang ako ng silver lining. Mahirap 'yon sa kahit anung panahon. Masaklap kasi talaga ang buhay. Lahat ng daan may nakabudbod na thumbtacks at kung ang sapatos mo walang makapal na swelas, aba'y goodluck. Ako? Ang swelas ko alkohol. Mali yun period pero mas gusto ko na yun kaysa maglakad sa mundo na conflicted, hirap. I am too concious of everything, as my friends say. Marami akong binibigay na meaning sa lahat ng bagay. I will go on to even say na kaya ako siguro maraming alam sa buhay kahit hindi pa sila nangyayari sa akin gaya ng mga relationships dahil masyadong gising ang diwa ko. Pwera na lang kapag lasing ako. Makes perfect sense, right?

Gayunpaman (Wow!), gusto ko pang matuto kung paano mabuhay. But as far as answering whether I end up with someone or not, suko na ako. I will avoid dwelling on that one. Instead, I want to focus on my other plans like having kids and living a simple fulfilling life. Naiisip ko kasi siguro ang love at relationships bilang silver linings sa buhay. Mali ba ‘yun? I guess hindi nga dapat ganun ang expectations ko. Masyado kasi akong nawili sa mga feel-good comedies. MALI!!! Masyado akong umaasa na sa bawat taong magbibigay sa akin ng extra attention, may hinuhulgan na silang emotional investment sa akin. MALI!!! Hindi naman ako kagaya ng isa kong kakilala na tipong maglalabas na ng traje de boda sa first date. Hindi ako ganun pero minsan nararamdaman ko baka magkaganun na ako. Kaya bago pa mangyare ‘yon, magbabago na ako.

Pwedeng hindi na mangyare sa akin yung romantic relationship na inaasam-asam ko.

Pwedeng forever na talaga akong magsolo sa buhay.

Pwedeng hindi na rin ako makaget over sa fact na walang ginawa ang Diyos para sa akin.

Pwedeng lahat ng ito ay magdulot sa akin ng pagkabaliw o di matatawarang depresyon.

Sa lahat ng iyon, keber na. Paghahandaan ko na lang kung papaano ako makakatayo ng mag-isa suot ang sapatos na may makapal na swelas (na hindi gawa sa alcohol).

Triskaideka

I was born on 1979.

The year Brenda Ann Spencer of San Diego California open fired, killing 2 of her teachers and injuring 8 of her classmates, just because she "hates Mondays."

1979 was also the year Mother Theresa got her Nobel Prize for Peace and Ozzy Osbourne was tagged as the Prince of Darkness.

One Child Policy in China was implemented and Seattle Supersonics won over Washington Bullets for the NBA Championship Ring (now that's something you dont get to hear very often!).

It was the year of the 30 minute snow at Sahara desert, the year LA passed their Gay and Lesbian Civil Rights Bill, the collapse of Pol Pot and the title of Smashing Pumpkin's most heard-of song ever.

The year I was born...the end of the Generation X...the 13th generation.

I am the end of Generation X but I am from that era nonetheless. Pragmatic, perceptive, savvy and amoral. This is me.

Keen in discernment with as-a-matter-of-fact approach...shrewd. Undistinguished morality or immorality.

Grunge, filthy with my jeans torn-up, garage noise passing up as heavy metal music. Soundgarden...Pearl Jam....Nirvana.

The rich deep tone of Chris Cornell with Black Hole Sun...the angst-filled voice of Eddie Vedder with Jeremy.... and that slurred narcotic-sated sound of Kurt Cobain singing In Bloom.

The slackers...the baby busters...the nomads...the awakened.

I am the end of the non-digitized people.

The Triskadeika generation...We are...I am Generation the 13th.

The Wretched Boredom of Searching for Nothing

What is it about our endless search for something else?

Something to fill the gap, something to fit into that gaping melancholic hole which is until now unknown.

What meaning am I looking for?

What exactly can make us...me happy?

Pain can't always be the proof which will argue for me that I'm still alive. That is to say very obvious. It'll be sado-masochistically painful. Something even me will soon cant bear. Then what now? Pain is the only thing out there that is abundant. Intentionally searched or not. Pleasure fleeting...too fast to be grasped.

I know someday boredom will eventually reach me. I better run.

Gambler's Ruin (Kung Bakit Bawal Umayaw ang Taong Nananalo sa Tong-its)

Lost. Again.

There is an abusive persistence which seems to give everybody the strength to get up and be back again on their feet after they have been blackened and blued.

The field looks inviting even if one still feels the bruises and lashes from the last beating. Every one of us is a gambler and each hangs on to his hope that he'll finally be on the winning side of the game.

But its a known fact that every gambler will lose at the end. The same principle that makes Vegas Vegas. And this is also why bawal umayaw ang taong nananalo sa tong-its.

Is it the same with our game?

Is it absurd to stand up and be there again to play?

Tiring hopelessness and yet...